I almost binged tonight, well, I started to... but them realized what I was doing and I got rid of what was left. Though I threw most of it away, I still ate so I took some laxatives and I am having a hard time waiting for them. I am filled with regret. I know better than to self sabotage, it will get me nowhere. I have not been fasting properly either, eating a few handfuls of fruit or raisins here a couple times per day and I even ate about 15 chips yesterday. This is not ok. Though I have not been eating eating, it's unacceptable because I know what I am doing is wrong and is just going to stand in the way of my goals. I am ashamed to start the year off this way but it's going to stop. Why do 80% when I can easily be doing 100%? Well, the one good thing is that at least I am catching myself only after only a couple of days of doing badly, usually I spiral out of control and binge for weeks.
After I ditched the majority of the food I was preparing to stuff into myself and downed the laxies, I went for a 20 minute run on the treadmill to try to get my body going faster. I regret tonight and the cheating I did over the last couple days, because everything adds up and I can not afford to fuck myself over this time. I am really close to my goal size/weight, closer than I have been in a long time.
I have already gone down about 30lbs since the end of the summer and truly it would be foolish of me not to persist and lose the final 20lbs that I have for so long wanted to shed. Now is the time and I am glad I am growing more determined than ever. Tuesdays are my day off every week so I will do 2x all of my exercises to punish myself for getting off to a rocky start.
I wish it didn't take an almost binge to kick my ass into submission but at least something did. I knew New Years was *the* time but I didn't feel the burning determination until tonight. In the end, I didn't gain anything this week so I can't dwell, I just can't get caught up in restricting when I have just one more fast to go. I want the emptiness back. I want to be proud, not to regret.
Hope you are all doing amazingly... I am thinking of everyone and sending what strength I have out to everyone!
xoxox
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I'm so proud of you for catching yourself before it became a full on binge. I know it is hard. All you can do is the best that you can. And even if you stumble remember that we are here to help you to move on.
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled onto a huge plate of cookies and lemon squares in the breakroom. I am soooo pissed because lemon squares are a serious weakness...but you know what,I thought of you guys and how hot I am going to look this summer and I'm having another cup of tea instead. :D
Stay strong! xoxox
Thank you so much, love!! I need some strength so bad so your comment has made my day! <3
ReplyDeleteYou are AMAZING for passing on the lemon squares because things like this are just standing in the way of our ultimate goal!
I will make some tea as well. ;)
Thanks for always being inspiring and encouraging. So much love xoxoxo