Monday, January 4, 2010

Frustrations

I almost binged tonight, well, I started to... but them realized what I was doing and I got rid of what was left. Though I threw most of it away, I still ate so I took some laxatives and I am having a hard time waiting for them. I am filled with regret. I know better than to self sabotage, it will get me nowhere. I have not been fasting properly either, eating a few handfuls of fruit or raisins here a couple times per day and I even ate about 15 chips yesterday. This is not ok. Though I have not been eating eating, it's unacceptable because I know what I am doing is wrong and is just going to stand in the way of my goals. I am ashamed to start the year off this way but it's going to stop. Why do 80% when I can easily be doing 100%? Well, the one good thing is that at least I am catching myself only after only a couple of days of doing badly, usually I spiral out of control and binge for weeks.

After I ditched the majority of the food I was preparing to stuff into myself and downed the laxies, I went for a 20 minute run on the treadmill to try to get my body going faster. I regret tonight and the cheating I did over the last couple days, because everything adds up and I can not afford to fuck myself over this time. I am really close to my goal size/weight, closer than I have been in a long time.

I have already gone down about 30lbs since the end of the summer and truly it would be foolish of me not to persist and lose the final 20lbs that I have for so long wanted to shed. Now is the time and I am glad I am growing more determined than ever. Tuesdays are my day off every week so I will do 2x all of my exercises to punish myself for getting off to a rocky start.

I wish it didn't take an almost binge to kick my ass into submission but at least something did. I knew New Years was *the* time but I didn't feel the burning determination until tonight. In the end, I didn't gain anything this week so I can't dwell, I just can't get caught up in restricting when I have just one more fast to go. I want the emptiness back. I want to be proud, not to regret.

Hope you are all doing amazingly... I am thinking of everyone and sending what strength I have out to everyone!

xoxox

2 comments:

  1. I'm so proud of you for catching yourself before it became a full on binge. I know it is hard. All you can do is the best that you can. And even if you stumble remember that we are here to help you to move on.

    I just stumbled onto a huge plate of cookies and lemon squares in the breakroom. I am soooo pissed because lemon squares are a serious weakness...but you know what,I thought of you guys and how hot I am going to look this summer and I'm having another cup of tea instead. :D

    Stay strong! xoxox

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  2. Thank you so much, love!! I need some strength so bad so your comment has made my day! <3

    You are AMAZING for passing on the lemon squares because things like this are just standing in the way of our ultimate goal!

    I will make some tea as well. ;)

    Thanks for always being inspiring and encouraging. So much love xoxoxo

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