Monday, March 29, 2010

132 lbs.

Well I stopped by the gym room of my condo and weighed myself today, I did it 3x to be sure and it was 132 each time. Only less than 4lbs lost which sucks but hopefully it will pick up soon. I will feel much better once I am in the 120's, since I'm really starting to stress about reaching my April 20th goal!!

Still, losing is good, even if it wasn't much. I just need to work harder and consume possibly less liquid calories. I will try cutting out the soy milk this week and do water + juice and see if I can lose 5 lbs by next Monday.

I have been getting migraines from hell this weekend... they're so much worse than any hunger pains. Just need to keep pushing through. Also need to try to work out more.

Hope you're all having lovely days... I'm thinking of you all and sending lots of love and light your way ~


Sunday, March 28, 2010


Thank you!!!! I love you all so much. Eternal thanks for keeping me motivated and feeling supported.

I c/s some chocolate yesterday... UGH. My super sweet boyfriend got this imported chocolate for me since he knows I love it and wanted to make me happy. so I pretended to be, and walked off, 'eating' some. I made a quick escape to the bathroom after I could feel it melting on my tongue and spit it out asap and flushed the rest and washed my mouth out as much as possible. I feel so bad. He loves me and is so supportive (and apparently thinks I look good enough to be eating chocolate again).

I would be so ashamed if he knew what I did with it. I appreciate him so much and love him so I feel awful. But I am so close to my goal, I just have to finish this fast. I just can't let anyone or anything be my excuse to fail this time. I am not only doing this for me but for him and everyone I love, who feel the repercussions of my being a fat, miserable bitch.

So, all water today and only 8oz. of juice later on if I really need it. I worked out a TON yesterday to make up for whatever calories could have gotten inside me. But my stomach honestly looks bloated and I keep thinking it has to be the chocolate. It's probably not, but I just feel so gross. Need to be losing weight faster.

Lots of love and light to you all !!!!!!!


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Day 5

[[Disregard the missing comments thing, I guess it worked itself out cause now they show up! yay!]]

I am feeling more positive today although still very jittery and restless, which isn't a bad thing, since I've been moving non stop. I've even been jump roping(jumping rope, skipping, not sure the correct term hehe!) lately, for the first time ever. I've never had the endurance to jump more than 20x in a row without wanting to collapse and die, but now I can do about 100 before I throw the jumprope across the room and curl into fetal position. XD

So I will try to do 10 mins of jump rope each day until I get too weak to do so, which should be in about a week, but in the meantime, I'm hoping that the jumping will help to kick my metabolism into transmission a bit.

Finally my stomach is looking a bit inverted, but I'm just so blubbery overall, squishiness everywhere... makes me want to projectile vomit every time I think about or see my body. I know I just need to keep toning up even though it may take like a whole year or something after I reach my UGW, just to tighten my skin up after this crazy year of shedding pounds.

Light and love, girls


Disappearing comments?

I just published 4 beautiful comments which I was about to respond to on my previous post and although it says 4 comments published, I can't see them and therefore can't read or reply to them... :(

I keep trying over and refreshing the page but no luck. Hope it'll fix itself soon and that I didn't lose the comments entirely. Need support so badly... damn you blogger for stealing my support for the day! >_<

Bought a new lily plant to add to my collection today, in hopes of brightening my spirits. Most of the ones I have are calla lilies because they're great thinspo and beautiful but today the one I got is a peace lily. It's massive but delicate and lovely as well.

Anyway I hope you girls (and guys!) are having amazing days. I'm thinking of you all and truly the understanding and encouragement keeps me going and gives me more strength than you know. Sending lots of love right back to you all !!

Lots of love, light and strength to you all ~

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Day 4

Was such a bitch to my boyfriend today. I feel really, really bad but of course I won't admit it to him.

I've become painfully aware of my own irrationality in the last couple of years, and subsequently, aware of how obliviously unreasonable I was before I started to notice it all (especially when I'm starving!!!). I wish these revelations had included clues on how I could somehow not be an agoraphobic, manic, maladaptive and negative waste of space, instead of simply realizing that I am... but no such luck. :p

Have to take a moment to rejoice, though, because it's my 4th day without food. The first week is such a bastard. I need to get to the peaceful state... roll on week 2! Which is also hopefully when I'll start shedding some pounds and seeing some results to keep me motivated for the long haul.

I hope you lovely and inspiring people are all having gorgeous days today, lots of strength and love


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

135 lbs.

Absolutely disgusting. This means that the weight I'd lost last month... I totally screwed myself by gaining it all back in the last weeks while I was stressed out and in hiding. I wasted so much time; I could have been at my goal now if I'd kept fasting.

Oh well, I can't wallow in the past, because I am fasting right now and actually doing well. I stocked up this morning on water and some flavor packets as well as some extra vitamins for the week. Also, I had a Starbucks today and it was seriously like HEAVEN in a cup.

I've been feeling so restless, I hate this feeling. I am always so nervous, restless and anxious, due to my disorders, but in the beginning of a fast, these feelings are so intensified that it's really a struggle. The only saving grace, which I learned during my first 30-day fast, is that for the second and third weeks of the fast, I was in an impenetrable daze and it was the first time in my life that I wasn't absolutely filled with anxiety and terror; instead, only emptiness and a severe state of calm and disaffection. I almost look forward to getting back to that place in my mind and body, more than losing the weight.

Almost. :p

Lots of love, strength and light to all of you beauties.


Monday, March 22, 2010


Wow! Thank you all so much for keeping me going. Especially now, god, I need strength so bad. Your support means so much to me and of course those of you who leave me sweet comments, please know you're the fuel to my fire and I couldn't do this without you all!!!

On Day 2, I ate about 7 pieces of popcorn and was in a situation where I couldn't spit them out, so I was really mad about that as it set me backward on my fast. Also I drank a bunch of coffee the first two days, which I always seem to do (but shouldn't!) because that sets me back as well. But since the 20th, I've been on water and juice only since yesterday and my next 'cheat' is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, which will be a grande Starbucks... which I'm basically fantasizing about at this point, lol.

My boyfriend and I are going on a trip on APRIL 22nd, so about one month... and I WILL lose as much weight as humanly possible in the next 4 weeks. I am hoping so much that means at least 15lbs, realistically. Wish I could do some weeks of water-only because I'd lose so much more...but let's face it, I would never make it. Soy milk and juice definitely make the journey so much more bearable.

The daunting thing about fasting is that it's just like a waiting game... a really fucking long waiting game. Surrendering ourselves to Ana, never to be sure how much weight will be lost, how trying it will be, or how long our UGW will take. But it's the only way. The only.

I really want to eat, I'll be honest. But I won't. Because I am 20lbs over my GW and to do this fast will bring me almost directly to the success I've been after for so long. I have to keep reminding myself : you've lost 60lbs in a year... to stop so close to the finish line would not only be stupid, but a huge disservice to myself and would basically be throwing away the inner-strength I've discovered along this journey... which I refuse to do.

It's so amazing to be back here and back in touch with the wonderful people in our little blog ring that truly keep me going, either through encouragement or just from me being able to read and relate to each others daily struggles.

LOVE for you all, stay strong and beautiful.


Thursday, March 18, 2010

It's that time again

A full-on fast is in order. Liquids only for the next 4 weeks. I will probably stick to my previous fasting formula, which was about a gallon of water per day, plus about 8oz of soy milk and the same amount of juice.

I don't know if I feel totally ready, but I have no choice... I'm just going to dive right into this one. I think, in the end, that it will help to lift me out of the emotional rut that recent events have put me in, and will help to bring me back to a more positive and peaceful state of mind. Not to mention I am long overdue to push through to my UGW.

It's almost dinner time and I haven't touched a piece of food since early yesterday, so I can consider today 'Day 1'. And if I can do one day, I can do 28. I have to remind myself this every day because I refuse to fail this time.

I miss the empty, I need it back.

Is anyone else fasting currently?


Not sure if anyone cares

but I've been missing for ages because the person who I've had a restraining order against was trying to harm me relentlessly. I have been in hiding sort of, fearing for my own life, my family's well being, whatever. I hope to god it is all over now, I was/am so terrified. I am sorry if I'm being vague but you never know who's reading our 'anonymous' blogs, you know?

Call me stupid but I thought my blogger friends would have been concerned that I disappeared, but guess not... Oh well. :p I certainly am glad I didn't cause worry to anyone but I would def be worried if one of you girls abruptly disappeared. Anywaysss, I really hope you're all doing well, though... I have been thinking of you all and keeping you all in my thoughts the whole time.

On the weight front... I have gained probably 5 lb. during this amazingly stressful time which isn't totally awful BUT obviously it repulses me and it needs to go, all of it. Now that I am back home and life has returned back to 'normal' ... I'm ready to shed 20lbs before May. Is it possible? I don't know, but I am going to damn sure try!

Lots of love, hope to hear how you're all doing and catch up on your blogs

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I haven't posted in almost a week because I've got a ton of life stuff going on right now, stresses with X and overall have just been so busy recently. Hope it will let up soon, cause I am feeling like I'm running myself a bit ragged. Fasting is so much easier when I can nap. Well, life in general is easier when we can nap, I guess. :p

I had a small bowl of miso soup on Friday night, I feel I have to record it here because there were a handful of tofu chunks in the soup. It didn't led to a binge, thank heavens, but of course filled me with regret and self-hatred... and subsequently has lead to 4 days of water-only fasting, with the exception of the hot chocolate I'm about to drink once Lost comes on.

Have been keeping up with my working out as best I can, aside for skipping a few days of the belly dancing. Otherwise I have been doing either arm toning, crunches, exercise ball, leg lifts, squats, etc, during any few spare minutes I get alone during my days.

Emotionally, feeling really overwhelmed, conflicted, dark..... but what else is new, aye?

Hope all you beautiful people are doing really well and I hope to catch up on everyone's entries this week asap! Lots of love to you all.