New beginnings

Not that any year of my life has come up roses, but 2009 has been rough. From losing immediate family members, losing jobs, to having to get restraining order on my terrifying ex boyfriend and everything in between... it's been difficult.

However, I have never felt more alive, which is a big deal for a woman who has, since childhood, always felt utterly dead inside. I am grateful for this terrible year because it's made me think and more importantly, it has made me feel.

At the end of this year, I have found myself wondering: what if I deserve all of this? After a lifetime of punishing or brutalizing myself in one way or another, why does it finally upset me that someone else wants to hurt me, after I have spent 25 years hurting myself and others?

I have always been not only fine with, but severely comforted by harming myself... but I was absolutely horrified this year, when someone ELSE was trying to harm ME. It made me realize that - though I have made mistakes and have no doubt hurt people as well - I do indeed value my life and want to become a better person, even if the thought of living scares me more often than not.

“I was absent at the moment I took up the most space" - Albert Camus

I realized that I have always feared being truly happy and loved and that I have only been keeping myself a prisoner with my bad choices and self loathing, but I feel free now. I will shed this shameful skin I've been wallowing in for so long and to emerge a new being, a being who can be brave enough to truly love and appreciate. I won't be afraid anymore, it is no way to live. I will take control and become the person who I've always been too afraid to be.

And Ana will help me. I won't abuse her or let her abuse me anymore. My last fast was remarkable, in retrospect. It was the first time I didn't let Ana break me down... we were coexisting really beautifully and I had never felt better about myself. I had energy, results and most of all, I had immense hope; a hope I am grateful that Ana refused to let me lose sight of.

2010 will be the year of control. I will control my weight. I will control my life. We all can, and together we will.

xoxo