Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Day 2

One day closer to sweet emptiness. Well, I suppose I am empty now but Day 4 is always the best day for me; the day I start looking at food with such hatred and disgust that I wouldn't dare taint my purity by putting near my mouth. I love that dis-associative state... it's the only time I ever feel I am doing something right.

While there is honestly nothing more fulfilling to me than a long, leisurely fast - lots of sleep, pain, resting, basking in my own emptiness - during this particular fast, I need to be working out a ton. My last fast has left me with so much loose skin, which technically is a sign of success... but to be honest it just fucking repulses me. Loose skin is squishy. Squishy is fat. Fat is disgusting.

I'm currently cheating with a grande soy white mocha and I can feel my secret smile inside every time I lift the cup up to take a sip and my face is momentarily hidden by the cover of the coffee. I smile because I can say with confidence the thing that I love to say the most: I haven't eaten I don't want to.




Stay strong, stay empty, stay victorious.

xoxo
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2 comments:

  1. embreJanuary 6, 2010 at 10:47 PM

    god i wish i had your striength. hang in there, your doing soo great, and yea loose skin sucks i have it on my tummy(had a baby and now i look like a deflated balloon) i wish i could just chop it all off.lol
    meg

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  2. RJanuary 6, 2010 at 10:57 PM

    Meg! I also have a son so I know how you feel. It is so frustrating and difficult to get rid of! I would be so happy if one day I have a FIRM stomach once again.

    Thanks for your support btw, in case I never have before. Your comments mean so much to me and it's especially great to know you're a mother too.

    xoxox

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