Day 8

Today was fucked up. In an unexpected and inescapable social situation, I had to put food in my mouth or else I felt it would have caused a huge scene and drama. With each piece given to me, I waited for the proper moment and then spit it into my hand (gross, I know) until I couldn't hold any more. I waited a non-suspicious amount of time with chewed food and saliva soaking the napkins in my fists, and went to the bathroom right away to get rid of the food and to and wash my hands.

The fact that I knew I must have swallowed *something*, despite being able to have spit out almost all of it, absolutely hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not restricting, I am fasting.. therefore even a morsel is unacceptable. What the hell have I done?!

I begin to freak out and make a painfully awkward exit and head home as fast as my feet will take me. It's been at least ten minutes. I get in the house, chug a half liter of water, run into the bathroom with my hat, scarf and shoes still on and purge up about 4 crumbs of food and mass amounts of cold liquid, wondering... how could I even have put food into my disgusting mouth in the first place? I should have made my awkward exit before that even happened. I couldn't have swallowed more than 25 calories, so I know I am being ridiculous but I felt like I'd just eaten a 7 course meal.

So I continue chugging more water and keep purging pure liquid, over and over, convinced there had to be more morsels that hadn't come up during the first 10 minutes. I even took laxatives afterward. I should have waited for my fit of terror to pass before I'd taken those, though, because I don't particularly look forward to the consequences of that mistake.

Sigh.

I know that what slipped down my throat was mere morsels and that it came right back up... it's not like I even "ate", so my fast is still going and I guess everything is fine. But what is most disturbing about today is that I'm realizing I'll always be a manic, self-abusive monster.

(I didn't have to purge for 15 minutes after the almost non-existent amount of food was already in the toilet, until I was in pain. And I *certainly* didn't need to take 3 laxatives after said needless purging. So... why? Because I am crazy, surely.)

Sorry for the downer of a post. I wish I had a more inspiring day to post about for you all. Technically, I didn't fail at my fast, but I surely didn't do anything I'm proud of... and in that way, I feel like a failure.

Hope you all are having an amazing day. Much love to you all.

xoxox