Monday, January 11, 2010

Day 7

Usually the fact that I am an OCD- ridden creature of extreme habit is a really bad thing... except when I'm fasting. When I'm fasting, I've realized, it's a time when I can take advantage of my other disorders... the ones where everything needs to be the same each day or I will become nervous and fall apart. I require habit and routine so badly that the fast, itself, becomes the ritual that I feel I need to pursue each day. If that makes sense. It probably doesn't. Anyways, I just meant I don't think I could make it through a fast without being such an obsessive, routine-based person.

So, I am at Day 7, one whole week on just water, juice and coffee. To go back now would just be shameful an inexcusable. I will go on for 2 more weeks at least. (After that, I'll probably need one more long term fast before summer to reach my UGW but for now I need to put all my energy into this one.)

Though I was cautious at the time, I learned so much during my last fast, in retrospect. I am not as nervous about getting through this one, just determined. I know I can get through this 21 days... at this point I just have to. I refuse to waste another year of my life weighing more than I want to and I'm so sick of the binging/restricting/purging/laxatives cycle of hell that I've had myself in for so long. I can no longer remain trapped inside myself.

Love you girls... much strength and love to you all.

xoxoxo

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6 comments:

  1. embreJanuary 11, 2010 at 9:20 PM

    as long as you stay positive you can do it. your strength amazes me to no end. good luck (though you probably wont need it)
    :)

    meg

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  2. AfricanaJanuary 12, 2010 at 4:57 PM

    Hang in there sweetie!! Do you use twitter? Maybe we can use that to send more support to one another during the day.

    xoxoxoxoxox

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  3. Phantasmagorical DelusionJanuary 12, 2010 at 7:52 PM

    Thank you very much for the comment; as always, your words and your strength mean more to me than I can say. And yes, it *does* help to know that we can relate to one another; it appears that eating disordered mothers are definitely in the minority. I have a few good theories as to why that is, but I'll leave that for another post. ;)

    I'm definitely in your corner throughout this trial of your mind and body; no matter what, I'll be here, offering all that I can in support, love, and perspective til the end. <3

    Stay perfectly wonderful.

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  4. RJanuary 12, 2010 at 9:35 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. RJanuary 12, 2010 at 9:37 PM

    thank you girls so much! I had a really rough day today so it really warms my heart (and freezing body) to see your comments, I hope you know that. It really means the world to me, to be able to have a mutual understanding and support for each other during such a lonely disease.

    many hugs and much love and strength to you all

    xoxox

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  6. RJanuary 12, 2010 at 9:39 PM

    oops I forgot to add again : Ms. A - twitter seems like a good idea.. I should make one. I am so paranoid about being public but I suppose it could be just as guarded as a blog.

    xoxo

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