This morning, we were running late, so my son says he'll just eat McDonalds on the way to school. I order his food, we drive up to pay, and the cashier lady is in shock saying how much weight I've lost and how I look great. A compliment, I know... but all I can think is... JESUS, how disgusting was I? Clearly disgusting enough to where the McDonald's drive thru lady *remembered* me (I haven't been going to McD's regularly since probably last summer) and is shocked by my weight loss. I was sitting in my car, as well, not even standing up.
I must have been just absolutely horrifying before! I mean, I know I was, but you know. I'm starting to realize, that to be fat, you have to sort of turn the blind eye to yourself on a visual level, to tell yourself you're not THAT fat, etc. I never felt good about myself, not even close, but people act now like I am a different looking person entirely, after my losing about 40lb. in the last year, but for me, I don't even really feel much different yet.
In fact, as we all do, surely... I feel a LOT fatter than before I ever lost any weight. So, so much fatter. Which is foolish and impossible, but it just shows the difference between being a body conscious person, and not being one. I can't believe I ever allowed myself not to be one, even for a time.
Sorry for the rant, but the more compliments I get, the more I hate myself. or my former self? Oh well, at least now I am starting to feel disconnected from that fat bitch. Although I still have 20lbs to lose before I'm even close to letting myself stop brutally fasting. My stomach is so fucking squishy, my arms so flabby... it all absolutely repulses me.
I wish I had more inspiring words, but some days there's just confusion and disgust. But I am super determined. Though I don't see what others see yet, I want to. I just know I can't let myself enjoy this until I am at my goal, or else it would result in utter fail. And I refuse to fail!
Lots of love to you all
xoxoxox
Try not to dwell on how you were in the past. The old you is gone now, if even the McD's chick recognized that. I'm sure she wasn't trying to put the old you down, she was talking about how great you look now!
ReplyDeleteI feel much fatter now then i did when i was 20 pounds heavier too and when realize this, i realize how deep in denial i really was. and when people compliment me now i get all mixed emotions because...."thank you for the compliment"...but, "so you really think i looked that bad and fat?".
ReplyDeleteyou have made such progress and that is something to be proud of.
stay strong<3
^^ Thank you so much <3
ReplyDeleteand you are so right - I am realizing that being really overweight means being in total denial! I am glad we can see that now, though.
xoxox
You should take what the lady said as a real ocmpliment at how far you've come. I know it makes you think about before, but just think, if people are noticing that you are smaller, that is a good thing. Good for you that you've done so well that people are noticing. You're doing so well *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean! Total denial. Avoiding mirrors where as now I seek them out. Well you've come a long way so congrats but don't let the past bring you down. Think of yourself as being inspirational to others!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say that...
ReplyDeleteI MISS Yooooooouuuu!!!!
Really and truly.
I hope you are well, love, and I can't wait to hear from you again. Sending all SORTS of love and positive energy your way tonight.
Stay absolutely wonderful. <3
Omg I TOTALLY understand how you feel. I lost a bunch of weight about 5 years ago and it made me feel so much fatter. Even now, the more I lose the more awkward I feel in my body. I never remember feeling like this when I was seriously obese. It's freakish.
ReplyDeleteI'm missed you lately! I'm sorry I haven't been around. I know that you will reach your goal this year and I'll be here every step of the way cheering!
Woot! :)
xoxoxoxox,
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