Tuesday, March 23, 2010

135 lbs.

Absolutely disgusting. This means that the weight I'd lost last month... I totally screwed myself by gaining it all back in the last weeks while I was stressed out and in hiding. I wasted so much time; I could have been at my goal now if I'd kept fasting.

Oh well, I can't wallow in the past, because I am fasting right now and actually doing well. I stocked up this morning on water and some flavor packets as well as some extra vitamins for the week. Also, I had a Starbucks today and it was seriously like HEAVEN in a cup.

I've been feeling so restless, I hate this feeling. I am always so nervous, restless and anxious, due to my disorders, but in the beginning of a fast, these feelings are so intensified that it's really a struggle. The only saving grace, which I learned during my first 30-day fast, is that for the second and third weeks of the fast, I was in an impenetrable daze and it was the first time in my life that I wasn't absolutely filled with anxiety and terror; instead, only emptiness and a severe state of calm and disaffection. I almost look forward to getting back to that place in my mind and body, more than losing the weight.

Almost. :p



Lots of love, strength and light to all of you beauties.

xoxoxo
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4 comments:

  1. embreMarch 23, 2010 at 4:56 PM

    you are going to do so good! you are definitely strong enough to push past the hardest first week or two, hell, your one of the strongest girls on here (in my humble opinion).
    im so jealous that you got starbucks! lol
    stay strong
    meg

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  2. RMarch 23, 2010 at 5:16 PM

    hayyy Meg :D

    Thank you so so so much for that, it really means a lot to me, especially from you because I admire you so much as well.

    xoxox

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  3. JemMarch 23, 2010 at 6:51 PM

    i love this post. i know exactly how you feel. you were so close to your goal and then messed it all up by putting the weight back on. it comes back on SO easy. god it fucking sucks. i dont necessarily love the feeling of fasting like you do lol but i loveee the feeling of being "almost" there. you know? "only emptiness and a severe state of calm and disaffection" i loveee that line. explains my moods exactly! and literally... starbucks has saved my life. a 10 calorie americano has stopped countless binges. have a great day girl, you just got a new follower :) :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. RMarch 23, 2010 at 11:19 PM

    Thanks for following, dear!! Appreciated more than you know :)

    and yeah, seriously the Starbucks was incredible haha ^_^

    xoxox

    ReplyDelete

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